A couple of nights ago I was fighting the flu, so I dosed up on that
cheap generic version of Niquil and slept for something like 10
hours. And I had this dream where I'm moving through what looks like
a Shaw Brother's Kung Fu movie.
The dream was about these Kung Fu schools that were fighting each
other, which is a typical Kung Fu movie plot, except that the schools
were actually anime fan bases. The Dragonball Z school was the
Shoulin monks, and the Sailor Moonies were the Wing Chung school, The
Gundam Wing school was the Wu Tang clan, etc...
And all the schools are gathered together at an anime con, except its
not a con; it's a tournament to determine which school has the best
Kung Fu. I go to a panel and the Sifu of some of the schools is
behind a table at the Crowne Plaza with glasses of ice water in front
of them and they're arguing about what's wrong with fandumb. And
then a fight breaks out.
And the fight is like one of those Jackie Chan fight's where he uses
some handy prop as a weapon. Card Captor Sakura Wall Scrolls are
used like Chinese fans, Vash action figures and Gundam models block
kicks and used to hit chi points. Ninjas are throwing J-pop SMCD's
with deadly results and the Ranma 1/2 Sifu is tossing the pitchers of
ice water at pudgy Sailor Moon girls who turn into big hairy guys in
sailor moon costumes. Suddenly the Old Skool Fans show up dressed
like Forbidden City Officials and begin to enforce law and order.
But they are pushed back by wave after wave of fierce young fans who
deal death from Pokemon cards wielded like butterfly knives.
Now I'm in the artist alley at the anime con. The Fan Artist Sifu is
dressed like a Taoist Priest, his table is actually an altar with a
sign that says Original Sketches $20, a magic mirror, stacks of
xeroxed fan fiction and homemade doujinshi. The Sifu is drawing a
naked Lum on a yellow Post It note using a "PIGMA MICRON MAGIC INK
with Real Chicken's Blood." Behind the Fan Artist Sifu is his Anime
Doujin Circle, actually a line of Hopping Chinese Vampires with Post
It/Talismans on their foreheads. Each Talisman has a different crude
fan art rendering on it, one is a naked Sakura, another is a naked
Belldandy, a naked Usagi, a naked Ranma (female version).
I step around a smaller altar with a burning candle, a bell, and lots
of fast food bags filled with burger wrappers and cold fries. I walk
up to a Hopping Vampire dressed as Tomahome and I look at the Post
It/Talisman, it's so poorly drawn I can't figure out exactly what it
is, or if it's even a boy or a girl. I'm studying the Post It very
intently and then I remove it from the Hopping Tomahome Vampire's
forehead.
And I'm thinking, "Stupid, why did I do that?" But it's too late,
Hopping Chinese Tomahome Vampire is hopping at me and dishing some
Hopping Vampire Kung Fu at me. After a bit of panic I realize that
Tomahome Vampire is stiff and slow and I'm able to block all his
strikes, but he hits really hard. So I ask Fan Artist Sifu to draw
another Talisman to stop Hopping Tomahome Vampire. Naturally, Sifu
tells me it'll cost $20. I'm thinking, "$20 to stop a murderous
undead fanboy, that's not too bad." So, I'm dodging and blocking
Tomahome and fishing $20 outta my pocket. I give Fan Artist Sifu the
$20 bill and he says, "Who do you want me to draw?"
So I tell him to draw whatever he wants, just hurry. Fan Artist Sifu
says he doesn't draw mecha. I tell him I don't care, it doesn't
matter. Fan Artist Sifu then tells me all the anime character's he
doesn't draw and all the ones he does draw and all about his favorite
series and Japanese artists. Meanwhile Hopping Vampire Tomahome's
Kung Fu has started knocking the Post It Note Talisman's off the
foreheads of the other Fan Artist Hopping Chinese Vampires and they
begin to attack me. Fan Artist Sifu ignores all of this and asks me
for my home address. I ask him why, while ducking the fangs of a
Hopping Rurouni Kenshin Vampire. Fan Artist Sifu tells me that he
has too many sketch requests before me and will not finish them
before the con is over and anyway he left most of his swipe files at
home.
At this point I bite the tip of my index finger and use the blood to
draw talismans on the foreheads of the Hopping Fanboy Vampires just
like Lam Ching Ying. I'm drawing little bloody Astro Boys and Mickey
Mouses and the Hopping Chinese Vampires stop attacking and it looks
like everything is fine. Then Fan Artist Sifu gets up and starts
criticizing my drawings. He informs me that Disney Sucks and
proceeds to remove my talismans from the brows of the Hopping Chinese
Vampires. Of course without the talismans the Hopping Chinese
Vampires start attacking the Fan Artist Sifu.
Now I'm entering the con suite, there are Hopping Fandumb Vampires
everywhere. I'm doing Kung Fu on Hopping Cosplayer Vampires and
Hopping Music Video Vampires and Hopping Fan Subtitler Vampires. All
seems lost until I see Ed Hill behind the bar. Ed's dressed in his
sharkskin suit and Shinto Priest robes and he's got this huge bottle
of sake in one hand. Between Kung Fu Kicks Ed takes a drink from the
bottle and breaths fire on the Hopping Fandumb Vampires. Ed makes a
joke about wasting good alcohol on the undead.
I'm trying to think of what stops Chinese Vampires short of a Taoist
Priest. I tell Ed that the urine of young boys stops Chinese
Vampires. So, Ed takes a big drink of sake and whip's it out and
whizzes on the Hopping Fandumb Vampires. No effect. Ed asks me if
he isn't young enough. I tell Ed that it's the urine from young
CHERRY boys. Ed laughs, "We're in a Hotel full of cherry boys!" I
tell Ed that I'm afraid that all of the cherry boys are now Hopping
Fandumb Vampires.
Just then a slightly plump Hopping Faye Valentine Vampire breaks
through my defenses and stabs me in the chest with her sharp pointed
vampire fingernails.
I wake up in a cold sweat, it takes me a minute to realize that I'm
in my own bed. The cat is sitting on my chest, his nose in my face,
checking to make sure I'm ok and I can still feed him and empty his
litterbox. After I feed the cat I draw a picture of Astro Boy and
Mickey Mouse pouring 40oz. beers on the graves of Walt Disney and
Osamu Tezuka.
-danno!
